Enduring Heart – (In)fidelity
Think you’re too old to fall in love at 60 or over? Well, here is Enduring Heart to prove you wrong and debunk some myths about older people. Read her experience of passion and romance at 60.
Posted by Elderjuice
on September 4, 2012. Filed under Lifestyle.
Posted with the tags:love, relationshipsYou can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
Catch up with Enduring Heart - love at 16 or 60 feels the same and a love affair at 60
I am married and have been for many years. Yet, despite this crazy, obsessive land of passion and romance I find myself in, I can’t say that my marriage is unhappy.
I can’t say it’s happy, either. It sort of just… is. Like existing instead of living.
Like an old, familiar pair of shoes instead of sexy, new high heels. My husband, W, and I are older and we’re tired. We’ve been there, done that, so why should I expect things to be exciting and new after all this time?
But, you see, I didn’t. I didn’t expect anything at all. I thought that love and passion and romance were over and done for me. And I was, I thought, resigned to that.
Intimacy
What my marriage has is longevity and familiarity and a lifetime of shared experiences.
What it lacks is intimacy, and yes, sex. But it’s not just the lack of sex (though after 10 years without, believe me, it is an issue), it’s that there is no affection at all.
All this time I figured I could live without physical intimacy, but I didn’t know how I could live without at least being touched in kindness.
A hug or a pat on the hand, anything. Even now I try to show W some sort of affection every day. I often kiss him on the head (he will turn away if I offer more) or sidle up to him for a brief hug – which he quickly slides out of.
The older he gets, the less he wants to be bothered with, well, anything, really.
Pet name
But it’s not like W and I ever had much of a romantic life, even when we were younger. He’s never been very affectionate or romantic, and never very sexual, either.
Here’s an odd fact – in over 30 years of marriage W and I have never, not once, called each other by a pet name. No honey, no sweetheart, anything like that, ever.
I know W still loves me, in his way. And I still love him in mine.
However long R and I might stay on this wild ride, right now I have no plans on leaving W. I couldn’t do that to him, and I couldn’t even do that to myself.
There is too much history, too many hardships gone through, children raised, and yes, too many good memories. Too much invested to walk away.
But investments don’t always fill the heart, at least not for me. If I were younger, say, 40, then I might consider leaving W. At 40 I wouldn’t feel like I was leaving him to manage alone on the brink of our declining years, but at 60 that’s a truth that can’t be overlooked.
Unfaithful
There may be people who feel that what I am doing is wrong, that even though I have not yet been unfaithful in deed, I have been unfaithful emotionally.
I can understand those opinions and I can respect them. But those people aren’t me. Others may not have gone years and years needing an affectionate touch or loving word.
And opinions don’t and won’t change the way I feel or what I’m doing. I may be 60, but my need for affection and passion and romance hasn’t changed one bit.
And isn’t a lack of affection and being turned away from time and again, a sort of emotional infidelity of it’s own? With R, it’s like I’ve been woken up after a long, cold sleep in an empty bed.
Instead of the old and getting older person I was resigned to be, I’ve discovered that I’m still here… the me I was 16 and 20 and 40. I’m still here and not only am I still capable of love in all it’s manifestations, I still deserve it.
Catch up with Enduring Heart - love at 16 or 60 feels the same and a love affair at 60
- I’m sure my story is not unique so please respond if you find anything strikes a chord. Or if you have an alternative experience of love and relationships in your 50s, 60s and beyond, please share it – it can only help everyone. Perhaps together we can dispel some myths and gain the confidence to enjoy a part of our lives that is not usually publicised.
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7 Responses to Enduring Heart – (In)fidelity
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Douglas Alexander
September 5, 2012 at 9:49 am
I’m just a little confused. You say you have not ” done the deed” with R. So how can you describe this as an ” affair”? As a passion or as a love, definitely – but I don’t see it as an affair. I accept you feel you are being unfaithful mentally as in your heart belongs to another, but until you actually DO have sex with R, I’d have to say I would call you “just very good friends”
Enduring Heart
September 5, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Douglas, in a way, you’re right. I think because what R and I do have at this point is so sexual in nature, even if it is over the phone or on the internet, it feels like “an affair.” I’m not being faithful to W.,at least not in mind and heart, and for right now, not physically either. I just can’t help but wonder at what point a situation like this crosses the line from “very good friends” to something else. Secret hours spent on the phone, or on the internet, connecting in every way but one, while the unsuspecting spouse is in another room…some people would consider that cheating.
I have, I’ll admit, a bit of guilt about all of this.You are right, though. I shouldn’t call it an affair. Yet. But soon.
Thanks for reading and discussing. You’ve given me something to think about.
EH
Enduring Heart
September 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Correction to my earlier reply…I meant I AM being faithful physically, for now. Just for now.
Douglas Stoddart
September 6, 2012 at 3:50 am
What a sad situation! Perhaps W was brought up in
an undemonstrative family. Nevertheless, it is amazing what a cold double-bed can do!
In a retirement home that I visit there are very few men, but lots of old women. When there is “so much invested”, I would urge this lady to hold on to her husband. A devil you know, etc!
One also has to think of the future. This is premature, I know, but if you look up the “Crabbit Old Woman” poem on the internet, I think you will be moved.
Enduring Heart
September 6, 2012 at 3:26 pm
What a very moving poem, Douglas S.. Yes, a bit premature, but so true. I worked in nursing homes and hospitals over the years, so have been in the position of the caretaker…and would like to think I wasn’t entirely unfeeling. But it’s so true, as we get older, as we get old, we are viewed differently. But inside, here we are. Still us.
As for “the devil you know,” and all the investments that a long time marriage involve, maybe you’re right. Better to stay put, stay faithful, stay unfulfilled emotionally and physically. But sometimes I feel I deserve more. Like The Crabbit Old Woman, I want to be acknowledged for who I am inside. I want to love and be loved one last time in my life. Is that, I wonder, too much to ask? That’s what I’m still trying to figure out.
Susan M
September 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm
I have been through a similar experience of renewed love and passion in my older years, the only difference being I am not married. It is am amazing experience. If it has happened to you, then we have surely deserved it. It’s very simple really…
Enduring Heart
September 16, 2012 at 10:43 pm
What a sweet comment, Susan! And like all the comments I’ve gotten so far, you’ve given me another perspective on the situation. I never really thought about maybe deserving to find love again. Thank you!